A few weeks after my breakup, I found myself on my knees in the church sanctuary. My church had 7am prayer meetings every day except Sunday and, though I hadn’t gone in previous seasons, with my heart broken all I could think to do was get in the presence of the Lord. I don’t remember what I was praying, whether I was just soaking in his presence or asking for something specific. But all of a sudden I felt God show me a vision.
I saw a human heart that was in rough shape. Some parts of it were still pink, but much of it was gray or blackened and there were nails in some places. Yep, that was basically how I was feeling. And then God asked me a question:
“Do you believe I can make your heart pink and new again?”
Surviving a Breakup in the Church
Let’s go back a few steps. I’ve been a Christian my whole life. I have loving Christian parents. But honestly up until my mid twenties, my faith was quite lukewarm. I would go to God when I needed him but didn’t really know what it was to love him and put him first.
Then in my mid-twenties, I started dating an atheist who asked me all sorts of questions about why I believed in God, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure what to say. I had that inner knowing and a number of life experiences that I felt could only be God. That didn’t sway him… but was it enough to sway me? After a few months of seeking, I decided I believed God was real enough that I was willing to go back to church… and almost instantly, I felt him surround me with support via friends, mentors, and community.
In this next season I sought God earnestly. I diligently read my Bible and prayed, went to church and small group, and took as many church courses and went to as many church retreats as I could handle. During one women’s retreat where the speaker asked if we felt we were at ankle deep, waist deep, or ocean deep faith, I figured I was at waist deep but thought “wow, wouldn’t it be incredible if I could be ocean deep one day?”
Nearly a year later, I felt like my life was coming together. Crooked paths had become straight. I had a great job, apartment, friendships, mentors, even restaurant reviewer side hustle… what was left? I couldn’t wait to fall in love and get married.
Long story short, after noticing me for a few months, someone at church asked me out. Friend, if you had asked teenage me to write out my ideal man and dating situation, I wouldn’t have dared asked for this. I felt like the relationship was such clear evidence of how much God loves and knows me.
And then one day, after a year and a half, everything changed.
It was hard in the way breakups always are, but I had never experienced shock like this before because so much our relationship happened within our church community. Our pastors, small group leaders, and friends had been involved. Even our parents, through they were living in other countries to us at the time. Wasn’t this supposed to mean we were covered, protected, and guided? And after it ended, shouldn’t I feel still covered, protected, and guided rather than… betrayed?
It’s a long story but the situation helped me see that every human is still a human, and the only one who will be able to love and care for us in all the ways we need is God.
What Happened When I Turned to God Post Breakup
Okay post-breakup I did have a brief period of full-on angry ranting to God, thinking every mean thing in the book, but quickly I stopped because what was the point? I had no faith that I was going to heal on my own. And I wanted to heal as quickly as possible. So… doing it God’s way seemed only logical.
I dove into the Bible. I consumed Christian books, sermons and worship music. Every moment possible, I was crying out to God because I just needed him to dull the pain. After a few weeks of soaking in the Lord, I felt well enough to go to prayer meetings at church. And that’s where he gave me the vision.
The reason I wanted to share these details is to hopefully show that my heart healing journey had less to do with getting over a breakup and more to do with understanding who God is. When God asked me if I really believed he could make my heart “pink and new” again, I realized answering “yes, I believe” to that meant I truly believed he was GOD.
For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land. Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care. (Psalm 95:3-7)
And if I really believed God was GOD, then why wasn’t I making him Lord of my life and doing everything he said?!
How Emotional Vulnerability Helped My Embrace My God-Given Purpose
So I started going to God because I wanted my heart healed. But the more I went to him and obeyed what he said, the more I fell in love with him. It’s this experience of understanding the first and greatest commandment that changed my life:
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. (Matthew 22:37)
When living became about enjoying life with my Savior, it became harder to disobey. I didn’t want to be apart from him or have anything in between us because being in relationship with him was so sweet.
A few months after the day he gave me the vision, I felt him say “You remember last year when I told you one day you’d write about faith? You’re going to start next month.”
As someone overcoming a fear of rejection while dealing with an actual rejection, the last thing I wanted to do was tell people about it. But God kept nudging me and eventually I said “Okay, God.” I trusted that if he was asking me to do this, then he’d certainly give me the words. That step turned into The Yay Project and You Are You Podcast. And now, four years later, I’ve felt him change things up again (a move across the world, a Master’s in business, starting a business to name a few!) and my mindset is the same. Lead me, Lord.
Introducing Pink and New
While I was in business school, my professors asked us to really think about what “problem” we wanted to work on. It shouldn’t be something that’s just trendy because if it doesn’t really resonate with us, we’ll give up. As I prayed, I thought “You know what, God? The thing that really transformed my walk with you was learning how to seek you for emotional health and healing. Could this be what you want me to focus on?”
When I was going through my journey, I benefitted greatly from being in my Bible and seeking God through prayer and worship. I also discovered great books and courses from various Christian emotional health and healing ministries, but these resources could be hard to find, required a big time commitment, were expensive to buy more than a few, and often in an old fashion (e.g. DVD and workbook) format not that suitable when you’re a busy woman on the go and needing encouragement during your cry break in the bathroom at work (it’s me, hi, I’ve been there too).
It’s my hope that Pink and New will become the go-to destination for Christian women to find all they need to seek God for emotional health and healing in formats they love. We want to remind every broken heart that God can restore it to ‘pink and new’ status from even the most dark of circumstances—and give us fresh hope. We’re looking forward to creating content for a new generation (in partnership with some of the aforementioned ministries) as well as serving women in partnership with their churches, universities and colleges, workplaces, and more… and we’re on the way!
About Live Loved (our first course!)
God loves it when we live loved. But emotional hurts can keep us from trusting in his love and the love of others. Join us as we learn how to submit our hurts to God, seek him for healing, and embrace what it is to live loved. :)
giving God access to guarded places
healing from generational wounds
Sign up 🌸 pinkandnew.thinkific.com (launching February 2024!)
Thank you for reading my testimony and I look forward to serving you with Pink and New. If you have any questions, feedback, or ideas for new course topics, feel free to reach out anytime. Jesus’s arms are open—we can wait to seek him for more healing with you.